I have spent way too many years focused on what I /should/ be doing with goals I want to accomplish and have found myself falling short every time. I am my own worst enemy and my critique of myself isn’t always warranted. While I’m not and will never excuse laziness of any kind, I want to try a new approach to resolutions this year. I want to lead with intention. I’ve noticed that in leading with intention through my mental health journey I’ve found results; some positive and some negative but I was able to produce solutions and reactions to situations that left me feeling comfortable and safe in my own skin again in ways that worked for me. It is without a doubt imperfect and unending but I want to lead my entire life with the same gusto and not just a small piece of my journey on this earth. I am going to set these resolutions with well thought out intentions. I have written resolutions before for the sake of filling a story and it feels good to get hits on the site and likes along the way but as I age, I want to polish the machine in ways that benefit me long term. These are a compilation of thoughts over the last two months and things I feel really need to be addressed in my life.
- To accept my flaws and embrace them. Not everyone is gifted at everything they do, everything they endure, or feel. It is okay not to be perfect and I don’t have to mask it behind a positive quote or something to superficially uplift my feelings. A friend of mine on Twitter once said, in science and nature we need a positive and negative to exist. Quite literally if you have a battery in hand, it won’t power a damn thing without a positive and negative charge. It makes total sense when applied to life because many things in life are balanced between good and bad, good or evil, and positive or negative.
- Learn to have uncomfortable conversations. I spend a lot of time internalizing how I feel because I loathe having conflict. It makes my stomach flip, it makes me dizzy and just want to hide. I hate having to argue in any situation but I’m noticing not speaking up is starting to hurt me more. As someone who preaches about self-care and self-preservation, this reverses any other effort because I have a ball of pent up feelings/thoughts/opinions bubbling inside of me with no release. It’s just not healthy to build relationships like that.
- Stop letting the cleanliness of our home get ahead of me. By no means do we live like a Hoarder’s episode but I do allow myself to get overwhelmed with the clean up. I’ve found doing an action to maintain a night has made a world of difference in status of our living space and my sanity. I hope to keep up that level of productivity in 2020.
- Escape the “What-Ifs”. I tend to ruminate on the worst parts of a situation and end up plummeting into a negative headspace without much relief. I don’t expect perfection in trying to stop doing this, but I do expect effort. I want to make a conscious effort to stop worrying about things I can’t control and things that haven’t and may not happen. I’ve stripped myself of a lot of joy this way and being present in moments I should be enjoying or having full attention to. I want to make a better effort and 2020 is going to be the year to do that.
- Not everything is about me. It sounds obvious when it’s written out like that but I find myself lost in the emotions, opinions, and ideas of others and it’s not how I want to conduct myself. Sometimes people have a shitty day, sometimes people aren’t going to like me in that moment or ever, and sometimes people just generally disagree. This is all generally speaking and even for those I’m closest too. I want to stop losing myself in the vibrations of others, especially when more often than not they’re temporary moments and my spiraling emotions become unwarranted. Feelings are valid but sometimes letting things go and leaving it up to the person to resolve their own stuff is needed to. I’m an empath by nature but my heart and mind can’t handle everyone else’s load.
- I want to lose weight and not for the sake of vanity but for the sake of health. In the next two years, we’re planning for kids and knowing how much weight I’ll gain during pregnancy, I want to start my journey into motherhood at a healthier weight to better prepare my body for the experience of growing life inside of me. I want to give myself and my baby an advantage with a healthier body.
These were just a few thoughts to share and put out into the world. I want to begin and end 2020 on a positive note and not just jot down a few things that feel good in the moment because of the new year, new me B.S. but to make actual intentional improvements. May we all have success in our internal journeys to improve mind and body and or at least the effort to put forth in trying. Happy New Year, friends! Thank you for listening to my rambles. I hope I’ve helped you in some way or at the very least put a smile on your face along the way.