I can’t stand the saying “New Year, New Me”. I think it’s degrading to the acceptance of oneself. Why would you want to be a new you? Why not be a better version of the self you had to start with? Why create a false sense of expectation that you’ll never complete because you have to turn into this whole new version of yourself? The foundation I already have is precious enough but there’s always room for improvement. Man, woman, child or machine could always be improved and I’m on the quest to do that for myself this year. Maybe, I’m taking the phrase a bit too literal but the internet bothers me. It allows people to say stupid shit and never make good on what they’re saying and just bathe in the meaningless likes. The acceptance of yourself is far more precious than any like on a social media outlet and I’m on a quest to put my money where my mouth is. Just like anyone else, I have multiple social media outlets and have my own rush from the likes and comments while self-acceptance is a hard thing for me to come by. This year, I have a few resolutions I’d like to carry out but the adventure in finding love in myself is my priority focus.
My emotional quotient is something I consider above average. My emotional connection to people and general ability to communicate and be empathetic towards others is something I’ve always excelled in. Despite, my anti-social behavior sometimes (let’s face it, we all have our moments), I genuinely love people. I love conversation, I love connection, and I love good company in silence or not. All of this is something I’m super proud of, but I’ve also noticed it’s something that I tend to hide behind. My love for people and being in constant communication with the world provides me a cushion to escape from my own love for my inner voice and drown in my incessant need for the approval of others. How can I fully appreciate the acceptance or approval of others when I can’t find it in myself? It’s a lot to really think about but I’ve spent the better part of 2017 digging and pushing through some uncomfortable stuff to reach this conclusion. The need to dive inward is something I’ve put a lot of thought into and I’m ready to at the very least try.
As a writer they say you should write what you know, so to make the quest a little less daunting and more productive in ways other than just self-improvement, I’ve decided to go inward for 365 days in a journal. What better topic to write about than myself and my journey. Maybe I don’t know her so well but it’ll be fun finding out. I’ll be writing in my handwriting and leaving a no holds barred outlet for whatever comes to mind. All too often I find myself questioning how my thoughts affect others and I think that’s the become suffocating to my own mental health and given me more anxiety that didn’t need to be there. In theory, it’s a simple solution but I know committing to a no bullshit 365 days and letting my freak flag fly is going to be a bit of an arduous ordeal. To be able to shut off the harsh criticism is going to be a journey for me but I’m very excited to make this commitment. I need this commitment and as the New Year arrives, instead of worrying about a new me, I’m going to focus on loving and fostering what’s already there because, despite that evil inner voice telling me otherwise, I know there’s a lot underneath the surface, wishing and hoping for her shot at the love she finally deserves.
Happy New Year!