Over the course of the last five years or so, I have developed a paralyzing fear of vulnerability. As someone who has worn her heart on her sleeve for most of her life (and still does a majority of the time), I have had my fair share of unpleasant experiences that have left me terrified of self-expression. Will I look too weird? Do I come off too needy? Or worse, am I the whiny type? Always complaining and bitching about things that are minuscule. It created an inner critic that was way louder than I could handle leaving me quiet in my only true self-expression, my writing. Being suppressed from that therapeutic front is frustrating especially when 1) I’m doing it to myself; 2) I need it now more than ever before. I began this blog with the intention of freeing myself from burdens, making sense of what I didn’t understand and creating an outlet for myself that allowed me to speak my mind on anything and everything. Hindering that is hypocritical to this creation and not worth the lasting effects on my personal growth. I’m not saying I’m going to be posting on the regular but I am going to make an attempt to be more vocal and open. I’m sure I’ll fall from time to time but I’m going to keep on keeping on. What’s brought me out of my shell is reading the people I follow going through something similar to me. As silly as it sounds, it gave me the courage to be more open about how I’m feeling and allowing a larger span of people to know about it.
My mind is a tricky place. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I find myself surrounded by the negative outcomes of any situation. Anxiety for me is like a consistent wave breaking across your spirit and you’re always waiting to be sucked under the water but never actually get to that point. It is an exhausting feeling especially when it feels as if there’s no quick way to change the outcome. I’ve finally reached my point where I’ve sought help in therapy but even that can be frustrating because I want to push myself so far and grab onto any instant gratification I can find and it doesn’t work that way. I’ve been feeling so paranoid and afraid for so long, I want to feel better now but the process is something I’ve been given no other choice but to respect.
I’m slowly being introduced to different tools and ways to process my feelings and trying to power through the need for that band aid to place on the proverbial wound to move at a faster pace. Right now, my mind is looking for answers away from the negative outcomes and focus I have. I find myself dwelling on the never ending negative portions of work, personal, and my individual elements. It’s a habit I’m trying to shake and one I know is going to take a lot of practice to be successful. I am hoping that I develop the inspiration for my intention of practicing daily positivity but right now I just don’t have that will. How does one practice any positivity when your mind refuses to see any other outcome or element other than negativity?
Writing out the good things for each day is definitely something I’m looking into, but I’m also turning to my followers, my Facebook audience, and anyone who reads this blog for other ideas. The readjustment of the mind is a time consuming, exhausting process but it’s something that despite the world we live in and my own life’s circumstances that I am eager to look into. Any and all ideas for my quest for positivity (thank you Justin Scarred for the name) are appreciated and helpful. For now, I ask that you be gentle as I hopefully continue to pull up my boot straps to bravely and somewhat publicly (journal writing is a big one on my to-do list. I’ll get there I hope. *gulp*) navigate through the next stages of my life.