I have written about so many superficial changes in what could only be described as my “second puberty.” In the last year, I have learned so many ordinary things in terms of taking care of myself and my home. Each idea and routine has become a small piece to a much larger puzzle that I am slowly piecing together as I continue on through my journey of everyday life. However, there is a much larger piece of my proverbial puzzle I find myself thinking about a lot more than the average cleaning your bathroom routine or general upkeep of a home in general; emotional independence. It has been probably the hardest part of my journey because it is something that I have only been pushed into in the last few years.
A great portion of my life has been driven by the approval of others and if we’re speaking candidly is still driven by certain people’s approval. My moods, my thoughts, and actions seem to always be revolving around the need for approval from someone. Be it, my mother, my girlfriend or a colleague – I find myself in a consistent state of worry if I’m keeping up with the world around me and how these pivotal people view my journey along the way. The craving for validity is exhausting. At 27 years of age, I wanted to be stronger. They say the first step to fixing a problem is identifying that one exists so here is my admittance.
I need to grow and do things that make me happy and full. I need to do things my way and not apologize if people disagree or think its “stupid.” Not only has my desire for validity and approval hindered my world by leaving it very limited to what those important people think but it has exhausted the relationships I have with others. I have a hard time making friends at work because I carry a deep rooted fear of what others may think if they’re in my personal life even an inch beyond the professional spectrum, I have exhausted my mother often by striving for her attention and worry of what she may think or feel on a situation that ultimately is no one’s choice but mine, I have stopped projects because despite how full my heart is when I’m creative, my girlfriend didn’t see my vision so it immediately hindered my own opinion on whatever idea I had. All of the above has damaged my interpersonal relationships is someway and I do not want to allow it to go further than this post. I want to strive in a world that is based on choices I’ve made as an individual good choices or not and I want to live without regrets.
I recognize the old saying that, “Rome wasn’t built in a day” but I am challenging myself to remain conscious of my fault and to remain mindful of what I’m striving for. As much as my family, love life and colleagues matter, I ultimately need to love me and do things for me first and foremost.