Even before I get a thought out, I already feel naïve. I’m not sure if it’s a product of the world in which I grew up in where hard work was the only thing or if it’s the loud groans of the generation before me all with the same response, “Your head is in the clouds”.
I feel like it is common knowledge that any job in which you have is going to suck. There is always going to be something that is miserable about a position once the newness of it wears off and too many people accept this fate. They accept this for a variety of reasons some of them noble and some of them just downright being too chicken to do anything else. Complacency is my biggest fear. At 27, I don’t want to allow myself to be comfortable in a position that simply pays the bills. While it’s a sense of accomplishment, I can’t help but want more. However, is the old saying “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” enough?
From the time I was young, my parents always instilled in me that I could anything I wanted as long as I did it with a 100% of me. I could be a police woman, a teacher, a journalist, hell they even allowed me I could be a professional wrestler at one point but not working hard was never an option. I left high school with the dream of becoming a teacher. I wanted to be around people and help them in any way I could. I had so many positive experiences with teachers it seemed like the right thing to do was pay it forward. Fast forward to college and through it, I failed out. Back then, I blamed a million things. Now, I see that it wasn’t really for me. With my departure from school came the work force, enter the confusion and the anxiety. The taste of money was a sweet one; I was gradually gaining my independence which I think is the whole reason school wasn’t for me in the first place. I spent my entire school career pleasing my family. I put all of my energy into making grades for them because they were paying for it and I owed them that. My quest to find what I wanted to do was stunted by the necessity of making other people happy. Am I blaming my parents? Hell no. They had every reason to expect that from me when they spent as much money as they did. However, it was a recipe for disaster.
I won’t bore you with the details of my work history or the unemployment struggle I had for about two years straight. I am blessed to have a job now that pays well, provides benefits and allows me to put a roof over my own head. I am making my own way which is exciting for me but in the same breath, I can’t help but want to be in a position that I love. Money has provided me with the necessity of confidence that I can stand on my own two feet. The baby bird is out of the nest and flying. However, the old bird wants to reach parts of the sky she’s never saw before.
I want to get up and do something for more than just necessity. I want to be passionate; I want to be driven by something other than the bills or the fear of not being able to provide for a family. Maybe that does make me naïve and maybe I’ll never find what I’m looking for, but I’m not sure I will ever stop trying.