I apologize for my absence on this blog space. Lately, my life has felt like one giant raw nerve ending leaving me much too vulnerable for the internet blogosphere. I have gone back to my roots of journal writing which is another challenge for me, the challenge of feeling vulnerable.
In the blog space or at least my blog space I have found myself being far more reserved in which I choose to share with the public. I have created a self-proclaimed space of sophistication, a space for opinions and deep thoughts on the world but not too deep to leave me exposed and leave me second guessing what I’m saying or doing. I have been writing on blogs since I was in high school. Each blog more evolved then the next, and each experience teaching me to be careful not to say too much, not to be that whiney kid with the need for attention. However, sometimes what lays inside my brain needs more than just the articulate words of an internet space. Sometimes, the needy kid reigns supreme.
Journal writing hasn’t come easy for me. I feel a very juvenile sense of self when I resort pen to paper. I feel like I’m the 16 year old girl barricaded up in her room not wanting to express herself to anyone other than her journal. It’s a very scary place to be back at because teenage me was far too unsure of herself for my current liking. At 26, I would have liked to have been less needy and much less juvenile but here I am vulnerable, dramatic and terrified. It is a very uncomfortable place for me to be in especially at this age and with zero tolerance for any of the above. I hold myself to a very high standard and lately I feel as if I just haven’t scratched the surface of my expectations.
Outside of my own head and being my own worst enemy, I know that jotting down these thoughts in my head can be beneficial and hopefully find a way to bring me out of my own mind. My current situations of endless firsts right around the corner is the trigger point for my fear of the unknown and what lies ahead so I know that being honest with myself and getting out of my head is beneficial. I only hope that one day, I am able to share these thoughts without fear and hopefully better myself as a person and a writer.
Now I leave it in the hands of you, my followers. Do any of you have this problem? If so, is there any way that you managed to get outside of your overly critical minds and just enjoyed writing in a journal? Or being brave enough to post your most vulnerable thoughts on your blogs? The world of writing is broad and I would love to be a part of it but fear separates me from the land of the living and I am very eager to find a way out. I’d love to hear all of your advice.