Have you ever found yourself entirely too antsy in the four walls of your safe space? The itch to go out and do something or worst of all spend money takes over your body almost bordering a possession of some sort. I find myself having a hard time with just staying still. As I enter my adult life, my ability to do things and go places has broadened a great deal. I love my parents but I’m angry with them in a sense. They kept me very close as a child and gave me a very sheltered life. Where kids were allowed to explore, I was allowed to do very little of that due to the incessant anxieties of my mother and my father’s desire to please her.  By no means is this my childish attempt at placing blame upon my mother’s shoulders for the reason I crave to spend money and go places and do things but I feel there is an evident time line that brings this out in me creating not only a money issue but a very large contrast between myself and my girlfriend.

My girlfriend is more of a homebody than I am. She’s seen the world from a very young age (probably too young) and is pretty much over all of it. I enjoy the comforts of being home and being cozy but I have another side to me that craves adventure. I want to go places, see things, act out and finally explore this big world that has been kept from me from all these years. However at age 25, it is growing to become an impossible feat. My twenties are ending quickly, my bills are piling up and if I have any hopes of being a wife and mother one day this world I ache to explore has to be a slow process or none at all. Life has no care for my slow time line. Life is bringing me a whole new set of rules and restrictions and unfortunate responsibility. I can’t help but feel like I missed out a little bit.

I find myself struggling to find the balance in all of it. I wonder if I can still explore but still grow as a person. It is a struggle I am in the midst and look forward to finding the solution to. I wonder if anyone else has this issue. Do you often find yourself with the desire for more and no means to get to it? I know living beyond one’s means is a foolish fate but when does being careful stop and living becomes more important? What a confusing place to be.