Losing my Grandma has been a quiet burden I have been bearing for several weeks. It’s obviously a monumental loss to my family and wearing my own grief feels like twice the burden. Death is never an easy thing for anyone to work through. It is a grueling process that is, unfortunately, no matter how irritating it is to say, “One moment at a time”. I miss her daily and I have a lot of anger toward how she passed away. The idea she died alone baffles me when she was surrounded by her siblings and nieces and nephews. All of them were so close by, why couldn’t they just check on her? I realize that she was a lot to handle due to her mental state but it takes no effort to look in on somebody, to make sure they are breathing and in this case nobody did and she sat lifeless at her kitchen table for 48 hours. It is something I hate to talk about but something I feel that I need to be open about it to push through this grief. I can’t change what happened and I can’t stay angry forever. It’s something she would tell me to let go of and to move on from. Yes, it is a horrible thing but I could hear her telling me “You can’t change what happened, sweets. You have to just go on.”
However, in the darkness, there is always a light. May not always come right away but there is one. I feel almost selfish for using this grief in my life to find the goodness in other aspects. I feel like I should be drowning for a socially acceptable amount of time but every day I feel the exact opposite. Every day I feel that much stronger. I’d like to chalk it up to living for her memory and keeping her spirit active in my life but I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty feeling so empowered and noticing all of these positive changes in my life. Listing my blessings and triumphs is something I find that helps me focus better. It allows a little perspective so I guess bear with me as I talk this through out loud.
1. My relationship with my parents – I suppose every family becomes that much closer when you lose one of the members in the unit but my relationship with my parents through my teenage years and early 20s makes this feeling much more special than the average obvious. I feel a line of communication opening. I feel like a part of a family as opposed to a part of a dictatorship in which I have no say. My opinion and feelings feel valid. Communication and validity is something I’ve always wanted from both of my parents. While it isn’t perfect, it has shown growth and that brightens me. The days feel much more useful and complete knowing I have the ability to share my heart and soul with the two people who gave it to me.
2. My relationship with my girlfriend – I have known this unique being for six years now, we have seen each other through a lot of things. We both have flaws and mistakes we’d like to take back but this whole ordeal has shed an entirely new light on a person I thought I knew so well. My girlfriend is a rock. She is mature, she is kind and she is beyond generous to me and my family. I feel guilty now because a lot of the times my focus was always dwelling on her negative aspects. She’s not perfect but no one is. It’s the flaws in people that make them unique and losing my Grandmother has shown that to me very vividly. I am so grateful for her and I hope that I am able to reciprocate back what she gives me and be able to continue to celebrate her. She is one in a million.
3. Maturity – I am 25 and sometimes I /know/ I can act like I’m 15. This age has brought me to a very LARGE crossroad in my life filled with terrifying changes, decision making, and growth. I feel in this sad situation I learned to put myself a step back behind the people I love and try my best to be the best version of me for them. My life obviously continued as I needed to but I learned the value of compromise and how much it can mean when the chips are down.
It is a bit of a relief to be able to reflect quietly like this. The perspective is helpful and as I’ve said from the beginning, I hope to use this blog to help myself through things I can’t say out loud and hopefully help those who are kind enough to follow me. As always, thanks for listening.