This question has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I am a hypochondriac, so from time to time I like to convince myself I’m dying. This time happened to be a little bit more profound than the usual result of just anxious thoughts and body spasms that I fabricated completely in my head. Yes, I have been checked by several doctors. They all say the same thing:

“You’re 25 years old, your blood tests are clean, and you’re healthy as a horse. You’re going to worry yourself into an early grave.”

You’d think I’d get it by now. Anyway!

For all of my atheists out there, I salute you and respect your beliefs however I suggest you turn the other cheek and don’t take interest in this post. Whether you believe in God, Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, or any higher power in between, there is always the promise of a beyond; a place that exists past this earth where you can spend the rest of life at complete peace. When your body shuts itself down for the final curtain of your life, your soul extracts itself somewhere into the next phase of your eternal life.

As a Roman Catholic, I was taught to believe in the ideologies of heaven and hell. God rewards us with a seat in the kingdom of heaven by living in his image, repenting for our sins regularly, and leading a generally moral life. God punishes those who choose not to abide by these guidelines by sending them to hell. My belief in that as an adult has changed entirely but that’s for a whole other post to talk about.

After spazzing out for the umpteenth time, I found myself wondering who I would want to greet me at the kingdom of heaven. God is a scary being for me to imagine. I’d want to be prepared and I’d want to have a familiar face to walk me through the pearly gates of heaven to meet my creator. While, I’m sure this will change as my age deteriorates and I lose more people in my life I couldn’t help but imagine my Grandfather waiting there.

In April of 2009, I lost this beautiful man to stage four lung cancer. It is still the biggest loss of my life to date and has left a lasting scar on my heart. While I’m sure this answer will change, I can’t help but wish for this pillar of strength to greet me at the heavenly gates and lead me into the kingdom of heaven. I can’t think of a friendlier, loving being than him and the visual of his smiling face and the promise of being able to bear hug him again leaves me breathless to think about. I miss this man terribly but I am comforted by the idea that he will be there awaiting my arrival into the beyond.

After gathering my thoughts and processing the fact that I wasn’t going to die, I couldn’t help but feel relieved in the end. The possibility of dying is a scary prospect but the comfort is seeing the kindness in my Grandfather one more time.

This was morbid as hell but I had to share.